Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Surviving my melt down

So what caused my meltdown? It wasn't one thing it was an accumulation of things. But when I meet with my doctor yesterday the tears just started flowing and continued for hours.  It wasn't a "Why me I am feeling sorry about myself" type of melt down. It was a "WHY" break down!

Quote for the day
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love. -  Washington Irving

Melt down #1
I went to the hospital Monday to request copies of all my medical records there since I moved to Wisconsin on April 1, 2010. I don't know how many pages yet it will involve or how much they will be charging me. Then I got sent to radiology for Cd's of their tests. WHAT A SHOCK I HAD! I got 2 Cd's. She said she put each year on a separate one. When I got to lunch I realized that the 2 Cd's where just for this year and there were 10 dates. This is not a good year I am only at the end of July and have been there 10 times. Then I got a call that she didn't realize I had so many and she had my 2010 CD. I wasn't too excited to go back and see how many on the CD. Guess what, 5 dates for 2010.  All the money spent, owed, etc.

Positive thought:
Thank goodness for medical insurance and that my husband has a job he loves where they appreciate how outstanding he is.

Melt down #2
Recently I took 5-1/2 months (Oct 2010 through part of April 2011) to heal a broken cuboid and also fractured toes. I had to quit my job since it involved walking all day hooping commercial embroidery machines. The Doctors wouldn't believe me when I said my toes were fractured but they couldn't understand why it was taking so long to heal. So they ordered an MRI. Surprise toes were fractured as well as the cuboid and I ended up with a $4,500 ultra sonic machine. Well after 1 month of using this machine it healed.

Positive thought:
Now I have this great ultra sonic machine so maybe I can rent it out and help recoup some of the cost. Thankful that I can walk and chase after my dog who broke it because I scared him when I hit a high note singing. Yikes I never could sing. I got a lot of Facebook/Castle Age playing time and read lots of books.

Melt down #3
Since about March I have had lumps on 3 places of my neck and the back where the dowagers hump is. The doctor called it "buffalo hump". First thing they thought was it's a side effect from steroids, Cushing syndrome. NOPE never took any steroids. So both my internist and RA doctors sent me to an Endocrine specialist. The Endocrine specialist had me do the cortisol tests. Chewed on cotton for 3 nights. Normal. Stumped them all. Three MRI's of the neck scheduled. Still have the lumps so they were talking about biopsies. Funny think they did blood test again on cortisol when I was in the hospital sick. The test came back and it was normal. Saw the doctor yesterday and he said no explanation but no cancer or anything to worry about. LOSE WEIGHT. MAYBE that will help. Yuk...wearing a turtleneck in the summer is not an option.

Positive thought:
Praise God I do not have cancer or Cushing syndrome. Eating better is recommended by my family and nutritionist as well and I will feel much better with less weight on my joints. Hey I am a seamstress so I should make some clothes that hide this with all my fabric stash.

Melt down #4
I ended up in the hospital the last week of June for 4 days due to high fevers caused by a bacteria UTI and bacteria in my blood.The doctor in the hospital said to quit reading the Internet on my diseases and to leave my care to the doctors who are trained. I almost fainted. This same doctor took my IV drip from 200 to 125 and my blood pressure dropped critically low then he decided to pump a full IV bag in my quickly at 500 (not sure of measurement other than I saw 500). An hour later I had a fever to 101 and my heart was racing I couldn't breath and I was coughing like something was in my lungs. An hour later my temp was up to 102 and my chest was getting worse. I finally got a 2nd nurse to listen to me that I was getting worse. He called the doctor. Finally they pulled off everything and removed the IV not the port and within 1 hour my body calmed down but now I had had fluid in my lungs. Great job Doctor. Oh he was not my internist or my RA doctor. He refused to call them for consultation.

Positive thought:
I have a great best friend Kathy (since we were 12) who is always there for me. She dropped everything she had going on to get me to the emergency room and she sat with me till they finally admitted me. She made sure I was taken care of and she kept my mind busy with other things. This was a sacrifice of love because she and her husband Dan own Dark Acres Pheasant Hunts and this is the crucial time when they are growing baby pheasants. 

My son Greg and his wife drove down to take care of our dog and make sure the doctor was taking care of me. They were so supportive and made sure when I finally got released that I slept and ate properly till my husband Phil got home from PA to take care of me. The best part was their acts of love. They mowed my large lawn, cleaned out my cupboards throwing away unhealthy and expired food, and went shopping to have healthy food available when I got home.

Melt down #5
A little over two weeks ago within 36 hours from when I finished my meds from the hospital I started having blackouts. Went to get my hair done in a town 20+ miles away when I stood up to go to the bathroom everything went black. I tried to ignore it but it kept happening every time I stood up. When I got out to the car after the haircut I prayed to God to get me home safe. I got home safe, took a nap and when I got up every time I tried to walk my vision went black and I had to put my head between my knees. Back on the phone to doctors and now they were talking about monitors they wanted me to wear. Hey wait I am going on vacation the next day with Kathy. They wanted me to get to someplace to get my stats read. Around 5 pm I was feeling better but thought I better do it. Kathy to the rescue again and she took me to a nurse she knew. All stats where okay but pulse was 102, too high. I decided to let it go and see it if went away. It did.

Positive thought:
Friends are wonderful. They love you no matter what. God will heal you if you let Him so I choose to not panic and wait on His timing. I got to go on vacation the next day because I choose not to make this episode more than it was.

Melt down #6
My doctor yesterday confirmed that I still had a UTI infection and in fact that I had 10 in one year. So he was referring me to a Urologist specialist to get to the root cause of what was going on with my bladder. Oh yuk I have already had 7 bladder surgeries. More money being spent.

Positive thought:
Got my meds to take with refills and waiting for more test results to come back. But now I will drink more water. I am so thankful that they caught it and we are still working on healing it.

There is great freedom is writing out all your feelings. It gets everything out and one doesn't feel so stuck on oneself. Hopefully someone will read this and they will be impacted by something I said, enough to change something in their life today.

Blessings and prayers to all of you.

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